"I'm Not That Smart"

This is a blog that the old me wouldn't have ever posted out of shear embarrassment, shame and fear of what you'd think about me. I was the type of person who would lie to you out of a place of shame, because I didn't want you to dislike me. I was inspired to write this because I KNOW there are more people out there just like me, so I pray that the LORD would use my healing process to begin your own. Just a few days ago I spoke with my mother and I was telling her how well I was doing in school. I told her it was bit of a struggle but with much prayer and studying I am at the top of my class thus far.
She went on to drop a BOMB on me "Yeah, Armetria you know when you were little you were dyslexic" I ask her "well, why didn't you get me help?" She said, "I did" I remember being a little girl in Kindergarten who could read on a 3rd grade level(because I was in such an abusive environment reading was my escape from the world around me) but I would write all of my letters backwards. Instead of my mother getting me "real" help she would beat me and use scare tactics to move me through my homework faster. That didn't teach me anything it only frightened me and destroyed my ambition to learn.
Once I moved on to live with my father I was already scared and simply played in class mainly b/c I didn't understand the work. Of course that warranted more butt whippings. No one could seem to grasp the fact that I just didn't comprehend the work.
I ended up getting into lots of trouble by Jr. High. I remember being in the "Smart Class" and taken down to a class called "U217" it was as bad as it sounded. Even there it was only children who had behavioral issues so I totally couldn't learn there either. I begin to HATE school I felt I didn't belong and no one cared anyways.
In Jr. High I begin to play hooky and hang out in the malls and with other girls I had no business hanging with which lead to me learning to steal. Well I got caught, and started down a path of run in's with the law. After that my dad's girlfriend introduced a school for Juvenile delinquents. I went into this school ready for change, I was going to give it a REAL try this time and I did until my old patterns popped in when I was challenged (I would daze off and daydream or turn into the class clown). We stayed in school from 8am-8pm pure learning. I can say I learned so much, more than I have in all of my years in DCPS.
After my freshman and sophomore year it was time to move into being a SENIOR my senior year was going to be exciting I thought. I figured, I finally did it. I was writing speeches that wooed the audiences and even won hundreds of dollars for them. I noticed there I had a gift to write. My English teacher whom I loved "Mr. Stricklin" would often ask me "Tree (that's what he called me) is this your work, you wrote this all by yourself?" and I would reply "Yes, yes sir you like it?" he would say "Yes, you are a heck-of-a-writer, keep it up." Well, that made me feel extremely confident that I could pursue my childhood dream of wanting to become a lawyer. I was introduced to Law & Society classes there where we had MARC trials and everyone wanted to be on my team. My Law & Society teacher James Forman Jr. who is now a Law Professor at Yale and Georgetown University loved to hear me rebuttal. He would say "Tree, you sure know how to get a point across and you are great at finding the little things that others miss, don't loose that quality." I loved James he was my hero, then he left to pursue his career.
 In my Senior classes we had began to write essays to various colleges when my school principal would pull me into his office and say "Tree, I know you want to be a lawyer, but let's be realistic you're just not smart enough" OMG!!! I was crushed, oh no he didn't. Oh, and by the way he was saying these things not b/c I wasn't smart enough it was b/c I had started an uproar in the school in regards to him getting us extra time on the SAT's by documenting that we were ADD ADHD when that was far from the truth. When I found out the truth I sounded the alarm throughout the entire senior class. Many were angry. So he begin to antagonize me EVERY single day in college preparatory class he would pull me out and I would say "Hey, I am missing precious time writing my essays" and he would say no it's a waste with you in there trying to write them. Armetria, why don't you think about becoming a paralegal? I just don't want to see you waste your time going for something that is way to hard for you. Once again I was CRUSHED!!! After taking with my play mom and friend Stacey Williams she build me back up by telling me "Babygirl ignore him, you are smart. Just keep doing your best and I will help you. Stacey was my hero. I begin to ignore him everyday there after and when he noticed that his insults were no longer effective he then called me to his office to ROCK MY WORLD FOREVER "Armetria," he said with the most devilish grin on his face. "Have a seat, are you doing well in you class." I was so eager to prove myself to him "Yes," I said "I am doing wonderfully!" He said, "well, Iv'e been thinking, you are suppose to graduate in 3 months but I am not confident that you can compete in corporate America, so I am going to have you graduate with the next graduating class." Everything in me fell, gravity no longer existed for me. I screamed "WHAT!!! What do you mean I am not graduating with my class I have made b's and c's I worked my butt off day through night in this school. My graduation is not contingent on how you feel about me and my levels of maturity." I knocked something over and I walk into my classroom crying my eyes out and everyone from my supposed graduating class asked "what's wrong Tree?" I told them and they were just as upset as I was. They were just as baffled. More than half of us had he same grades. Many started to speak out for me while a few comforted me although I could not be comforted. I soon begin to believe him and all the others through the years who said I was dum, I couldn't learn anything. My Paternal grandmother would say a person is smart when they knew how to clean well (chores) when I lived with her I didn't know how to do that either so she would say (bless her heart) "Your mamma ain't learnt you nuthin, you know your mother was smart she knew how to clean." I started to think if I clean up I can get this woman to think and say what I so badly needed to hear Armetria, you are smart. Truth is I felt I was not that smart at all. In DC public school system I was brushed right on through the system really learning nothing that would help me to compete on a college level. I DROPPED OUT!!! No parents to advocate for me, help me, encourage me, just to always say so-in-so's daughter is smart. I remember my dad telling me if you can just make straight C's I'll take you to Disney world. Lord knows I tried, but I didn't understand. Let me break something down to you.

We all have different learning styles I am visual and hands on. I don't typically like regular classroom setting with lots of people. I feel like another number in those settings. I went through life a drop-out lying telling jobs that I had my diploma when I didn't and even told some jobs I was in college. I was lying straight through my teeth from a PLACE OF BITTER SHAME and DEFEAT. I felt defeated. I knew how to read and comprehend well and count my money and I figured you know what that's all I need.
I went back to High School at the age of 25 achieve "who's who amongst TOP high school students" when I received that I threw it away because I felt ashamed and embarrassed as if I should have been done this. I dropped out again due to babysitting issues. Another chip off of my selfesteem.

One day I was explaining the importance of going after your dream to my children NO MATTER WHAT and they were attentive and receptive to my message. After I finished I could he a little still voice say "Armetria, what a lovely message now would you take you own advice? I still wanted so badly to someday become a lawyer (I am pretty good at proving things and arguing my point.. lol) I thought I am 28yrs old who on this EARTH can I tell I still didn't finish school who will help me without laughing at me. I enrolled myself in school without telling anyone but my husband who has had my back since day one and believes I am one of the smartest women he knows. I had to teach myself EVERYTHING I bought every book for dummies you could think of and studied them religiously until it became second-nature. I finished High School with 3.85 at 28 yrs old and enrolled in college where I am at the top of my class thus far.

I know it's a long story but it is necessary. STOP believing the HYPE (lies that you tell yourself or that others have told you that you aren't smart enough because YOU ARE.) In a few years I will be at some wonderful high averaging law school because I want it desperately. My skills came through much prayer and studying I am a witness to what GOD can do with someone who everyone thinks is not that SMART.

P.S Excuse any typos I wanted to get this done as quickly as possible before my little ones came in from school ;-)

Here is a wonderful school to get your High School Diploma if you need www.ashworthcollege.edu there is a fee involved but you can earn your diploma it's hard work but if you desire it, it will be a breeze.

If you'd like more information or confidential help to get started I am more than willing because I understand!
Go pursue your dreams and live your passion!

Armetria M Charles